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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.