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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
In space they just call it "Jam"
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.