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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when Iām awake.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My wife thinks Iām at work. My boss thinks Iām home sick. These ducks think Iām awesome because I have the bread.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.