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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.