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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.