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Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
My inner self is in Photoshop
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.