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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Plan B includes margaritas.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.