Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic