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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.