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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.