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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally