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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!