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I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.