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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!