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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.