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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.