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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)