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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.