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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.