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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.