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I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.