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When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.