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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
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I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Is Nudeism a religion?
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling