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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.