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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.