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If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"