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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie