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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.