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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?