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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.