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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.