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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject