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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
why do i feel like you are reading this
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!