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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.