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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.