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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.