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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!