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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.