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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?