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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
never be afraid to wipe twice
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals