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I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
It needs more cowbell!!
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.