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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks