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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"