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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.