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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.