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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.