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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.