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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.