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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.