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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
exercise........you mean extra fries
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...