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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading