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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!