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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance