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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.