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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.