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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.