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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Tequila is Spanish for Iām open to waking up anywhere.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.