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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.