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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.