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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.