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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??