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If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.