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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.