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Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."