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Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.