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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.