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I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Sex, do it for the kids.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.