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Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!