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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.