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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.