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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.