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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.