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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Home is where the pants aren’t.