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"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
Home is where the alcohol is.