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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Walmart needs observation decks.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.