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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.