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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.